Google, the Peace Thief

I googled.  Damn it WHY DID I GOOGLE?!  If I have learned anything from this wretched fertility journey it should be never EVER GOOGLE!  But tonight, in the dark, instead of sleeping I let thoughts creep in.  Those thoughts turned to questions, the questions turned to prayers but the thoughts got bigger and louder and rather than wait patiently for the Creator of the Universe to answer I decided to short cut and google.

I don't want to tell you what I asked the infinite "holder of all cyber knowledge" but I can tell you that google's answer stole my peace. You see, Amelia's heart stopped beating.  It was beating on a Wednesday and not beating Friday.  Nothing else was wrong.  Me, my placenta, the cord, my beautiful baby... all fine.  Just her heart.  It stopped.  Laying in my hospital bed, in those eternal hours between knowing and delivery, the Husband and I prayed hard.  I remember pleading with God, reminding Him that He's the only one who can restart hearts.  I knew what I was asking but I didn't care.  I wanted it to beat.  God answered, it was no.

But in that answer -- in the days that followed -- I found supreme peace.  You see, I know the God that starts hearts and stops hearts.  He holds that power exclusively.  And to me, the fact that God started Amelia's heart and then chose to stop it moments (hours? days?) before she was born, well that told me something.  It told me clearly that God never intended Amelia to live outside my womb.  He had a purpose for her that was set before He formed her. But Amelia was unique.  Most of us have a purpose that requires walking around this fallen planet, but not my Amelia. She's a puzzle piece to something God's designing and I'm blessed to be a part of that.  We may never know her impact (this side of Heaven) and it may have nothing to do with our family, but she had a purpose.

Of course, in the dark dark night the thief comes.  Tonight the thief was masked in a little glowing cell phone screen telling me more "truth" than I ever cared to know.  But he will not win.  I got up from the darkness and prayed hard against bitterness, prayed hard against "my knowledge", prayed hard that I would trust the only One who can say:  
It is I who made the earth
    and created mankind on it.
My own hands stretched out the heavens;
    I marshaled their starry hosts.
I think He might have a little better idea what's going on with me and my Amelia than google.