I woke up with the sun this morning, trying to find some solace before my impossible day. I turned my Bible to Isaiah--to a passage I read at Amelia's service. I was hoping the promises of the Father would comfort me again.
The promise that He's leading me has always called me to trust. But this morning, I felt differently. This morning I was angry. This morning I didn't want to follow the Father, because I don't understand WHERE He's leading .. I don't understand why we're even still walking this forsaken path.He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.Isaiah 40:11
I reminded Him this morning that I didn't ask for another child. I didn't plead for more sweet baby cries and sleepless nights like I have 7 times before. I reminded God that this time - this child - this was His surprise. Remember, God, you chose to bless us this summer with a pregnancy we didn't even know was possible. This was YOUR IDEA!! So why, if all those things are true am I once again scouring the Scriptures for some sense of peace, of reason, for some tiny indication why God keeps allowing this heartbreak.
I continued on in Isaiah. It always brings me peace. There MUST be something for me in these lines.
I am the Lord, and there is no other, besides me there is no God;
I equip you, though you do not know me, that people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord , and there is no other.
I form light and create darkness; I make well-being and create calamity; I am the Lord , who does all these things.
"Shower, O heavens, from above, and let the clouds rain down righteousness; let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit; let the earth cause them both to sprout; I the Lord have created it.
"Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or 'Your work has no handles'? Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?'
"Thus says the Lord , the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him: "Ask me of things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands? I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host. I have stirred him up in righteousness, and I will make all his ways level; he shall build my city and set my exiles free, not for price or reward," says the Lord of hosts.
Isaiah 45:5-13 ESV
And that's what I got ... Isaiah 45... I am a pot among pots yelling at God that He forgot to put on the handles! How ridiculous my nagging must seem to the Creator - to the Father who chose me to carry tiny hands and feet, to stand tall when the enemy steals and kills and destroys. I am chosen among women of much greater faith than I to tell this tragic story. My children, on earth and in heaven, were touched by the Creator. Who am I to complain about the design?
This morning I drug my still angry, but willing soul, out of bed and prepared to deliver my daughter. I was chosen to carry these tiny feet and I certainly will celebrate their beauty before we lay them to rest. The day drug on for hours that I'm too groggy and sore to account. However, tomorrow, when the sun rises again I will have peace knowing that our Annalee Faith is safe in the arms of her Creator, kept company by her sweet sister, Amelia Grace.
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